A photo of a Hasbro Transformers Beast Machines Silverbolt in robot mode.

Let me count the ways this toy sucks … oh wait, I don’t have that many fingers.

Let me instead run through briefly why this toy sucks: awful colour scheme … awful colour scheme that is show-inaccurate … robot mode head has stupid expression … robot mode looks like he’s got a freaky paunch … beast mode mouth is on robot mode crotch … robot mode head peeks out between the legs of beast mode … weapon is staggeringly stupid … one of the pegs on his back broke off presumably because it refused to be attached to such a bad toy … the toy is so terrible that it may induce excessive use of ellipses …

Why did I buy this toy? Why, why, why?

*cries*

A photo of a bootleg … no, wait, this is actually an official Transformers product. As in manufactured under license from Takara Co, Ltd.

I consider Beast Machines Silverbolt to be the worst Transformer toy I own. Now, technically, the G1 era has less articulated, uglier toys with less thought put into them but considering the time period this figure was released in and considering the figures that preceded it, Beast Machines Silverbolt is truly awful.

The beast mode is described optimistically on the packaging as a condor but it’s more accurately described as a jive ass turkey.

According to the bio, “Silverbolt became the victim of the worst kind of crime.” Yeah, my favourite Beast Wars character was turned into a terrible toy.

Takara re-released the figure with more show-accurate colours in 2005 as part of its Beast Wars Returns line but the colours are the least of this figure’s problems.

A photo of a mini bootleg Superion.

This Transformers knockoff stands 14cm tall and is made of slightly better quality plastic than the bootleg Optimus Prime. Microsuperion’s special feature is something falls off whenever you handle the figure. It might be jet kibble from one of the limbs or one of the haphazardly-placed stickers but something always falls off.