I’ve just finished another Patapon session. This one might be the last mission in the game. It may not be but I’m pretty sure it is as it features a boss battle that drags on forever and ever. I hate these kinds of boss battles. Just when I think it’s over, I find out it’s not.

I was stuck here for days. Hours upon hours of trying every tactic I could think of, experimenting with unit formations, watching for predictable patterns to exploit, grinding Hunt missions to earn resources for improved Patapon and equipment. But nothing seems to work. It’s “Mission Failed” after “Mission Failed”. He will not fall, this boss.

It’s my last try of the night. The PSP’s battery light starts blinking. One way or another this will be the last session for the night. Things aren’t going too well. My Megapons are gone, the Yaripons are but a memory. Six Yumipon archers are the only thing standing between me and another “Mission Failed.” No, make that five Yumipon. Hell, four now.

I’ve almost given up for the night when the boss, to my shock, drops after a half-hearted PON PON PATA PON. He attempts to rise again, shudders and falls. Can it be? Yes! I know he’s dead for good this time because he gives up an item. It’s over. I won. Behold me. I am the Mighty Patapon. None can stand between me and ultimate vict-…

The PSP’s battery dies.

Suck.

Patapon is frequently described as a fun game. The new player will certainly be charmed into thinking so by the MS Paint graphics style and the cloying voiceovers.

Don’t believe it for a second.

This game is hardcore. It’s tough and will require perseverance and steely resolve. You will have to guide the walking eyeballs to Earthend, defeat their eternal enemies, the Zigutons, and slay the monstrous beasts that terrorise the lands. You will command them in battle, resurrect their fallen and summon legendary heroes. It is for no mere mortal, this task; this is a job for a god.

Accordingly, you play the role of the Mighty Patapon, the Big Patapon in the Sky.

It turns out, O Mighty Patapon, you also have to be a bit of a dick.
Continued…